Friday, July 31, 2009

Angel song...


the pallet lies empty
as I await
the return of
the painter

silent the strings
which play
the sweetest
melodies of life.

stretches around me
protecting and preparing
the vessel.

the breath
and the promise
of connection .

with the passion
with the brilliant laughter
of angels song.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

An affirmation...


Looking out at the world
with a poet's brush.
Taking strokes to tell the story
as I see it,
as I feel it,
beating within me.

How do I describe
the fragile beauty of the garden
as the sun gives each flower
its last kiss
of golden warmth?

How do I put words to
the mystery and intrigue
of watching a single plant
grow and become something magnificent?

How do I tell of the pain
and loneliness I see
in the face of a young boy?
And of his joy in knowing
someone cares for him?

"Chaos in the garden."

I wrote these words long ago.
My heart longs to stretch
yet fear and judgment hold it still,
silent, echoing a song
which once filled it with passion.

An artist lives only in the moment.
For the creation of life is in itself an art.
And when do we live but now?

Words upon a page are not living
unless they are taken up
and sung with the dawn.

I so wish for a new song.
One which will open me up
to the beauty all around me.

Today my lesson is one of Affirmation.
I will affirm all that is healthy
and beautiful within myself and within my life.

Walking the artist's path again
with open eyes and open heart
my song is already within me.

All I need do is sing.

Searching for me...

This is a piece I wrote awhile back but it speaks to what I was going through at the time.

Ask me who I am.

You think I am the same person
I was before
Able to do the same things
I did before.

You see someone
Who looks like me.
You hear someone
Who sounds like me.

But it is not me.
I am not here anymore.

I am buried deep
Beneath a summer afternoon.

I was lost
Sitting on the curb
Waiting for the coroner
And the sheriff’s questions.

I am changed
And no one sees it.

If you want to know me
Then ask me who I am
I will tell you
If I can.

I know
That you can never understand
What was lost
And what I am still finding.

All I ask
Is patience
And compassion
And understanding.

I would be here if I could.
Amongst those who make my heart sing.
But my way back comes
In little steps.

I am doing the best I can.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A way into today...

where is the door

which opens the way
into today?

I look ahead
thinking the answers
lie before me.

I glance behind
looking for reflections
and assurance.

I breath deeply
trusting in this moment
of perfection.

Where is the door?
I am standing in it

Monday, July 27, 2009

When the angels come...

My heart heard you calling

with a song
so sweet and familiar
I could not forget.

You sang to my soul
with a voice
so pure and innocent
I began to listen.

How could you know
how to touch
that deepest hurt
I had hidden away?

You brought the light
with a smile
and a laugh so welcoming
I felt at home again.

When the angels come
do they know
they are angels?

The day I dont want to remember....

Here it is again, July 27th. For 38 years it was really the same as any other day. Actually it was always a good day with it falling right in the middle of the summer. As a kid I would be on vacation, or working at the pool. Even as an adult I usually had the summer off from teaching so it was a good day.

But July 27th 2001 became the day I have the spent the last 8 years trying to forget or erase or get over. One moment in a lifetime of moments and yet I have been carrying it with me ever since. How do you let go of something you so desperately want to let go of yet it has become a part of you?

As I write those words I realize it is not a part of me I need to lose but more the me I need to find again. On this day 8 years ago I lost my faith. I lost my hope. I lost my ability to be in this world and trust that all was well and that there was goodness. On this day I learned that I was not untouchable and that those I loved could not be saved by me.

I had always lived a golden life and although certainly there was lose and pain, I had always been able to rise above. And so too with this I tried. I reached down and dragged myself up and forward. I moved and spoke and acted as if because the other choice was insanity. I had a choice to live or to give up. Giving up has never been an option for me. But I have never known how to ask for help.

Nothing worked the same after that day. I never spoke the same. I never laughed the same. I never felt the same. It all shifted in one moment and I became a resident of a world out of focus. It was a world I no longer understood. I was an alien and no one knew it. So what did I do? I pretended and hoped it would get better and in many ways it did. It looked on the outside as though it were better, because that's what I so wanted it to be. Better.

But I had sealed all of my pain, guilt, regret, despair and madness behind a door in my mind. I had closed down part of my heart because the pain I lived with the first year would have destroyed me. And that is how I survived. I moved on as best I could. But always there was that door and in my most secret of places I lived in terror of what lay behind it.

It became a specter which haunted my dreams. It became a waking menace. I was no longer the same. I was changed and no one saw it. I didn't know who I was or why I was here. Yet I tried and moved forward. I tried to find love again. I tried to find hope again. I found pieces of myself again, but always with them was the fear that none of it I deserved. I could be in a room of people and still feel utterly disconnected and alone.

What do people do after a disaster? They rebuild and that's what I did. I rebuilt but my foundation was weak. You see, when I sealed that door in my mind and closed that part of my heart, I shut out God with it. Where was God now? I didn't know how to find Him again. So within the world I built tried to find God in people, places and things. And although God certainly exists within those parameters they are temporary and eventually they fail.

I still lived without hope and without faith. I learned the real meaning of those words. It is easy to have faith when you don't need it. But when you have lost your faith, the meaning becomes so clear and the lose of it is real despair. It was in those moments that I began to find my humanity again. I began to understand the pain of this world. And with that understanding I began to feel compassion, real compassion. Compassion became a light in the darkness and a flame within my heart.

It has been 8 years. It has been 8 days, 8 minutes, 8 breaths. What is time but a spiral which envelopes everything which comes before it? As I move on that spiral I cannot escape what has come before because I have consumed it. It is and will ever be a part of me. It is and will always be who I am today. It will color all I do and all I feel and all I am. And today 8 years later, I am no longer afraid of that door.

Over this last year, with help, I have opened that door. Inside were merely old shoes and clothes which no longer fit me. There were no demons. There were no monsters. I still carry guilt and pain today but I am not afraid of it. I have God again and know that with His help I can walk through my feelings with an open heart. A heart which is broken is a heart which is broken open. And so I live with my new heart.

It is still a day I want to forget. It is still a part of me I think no one will ever understand. It is a part of me I still want to hide away. Today I know that darkness is merely a place which has not had the light brought to it yet. So writing this brings in some light today. And sharing it opens my heart a bit at a time I so want to hide.

This day shall pass as it always does but I do not ever want to forget who I am today. I am a person trying to be as honest and loving as I can be today. Today that is the best I can do.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Meeting David and family.

How do you write about something you still don’t fully understand? Well you write from the heart so that’s what I will do. I first saw David as many people did when he auditioned for Idol in San Diego and I was a fan from the start.; His voice, his smile, his laugh, his heart, his everything. Something inside me opened up and I felt there was really something good in the world, if that makes any sense.

His music and influence in my life has been so healing. My mother battled cancer all during 2008 and I would play David to lift both my and my parent’s spirits. My mom would say to me, “Is that angels singing?” and I would say yes. David really is an angel to me. My mom is doing much better these days.

So I have had the opportunity to see David perform many times but Vegas was to be the first time I would get to meet him. My friend Maggie was to have come with me but her mother is very sick with cancer and she had to go back home to take care of her. When that happened I did not know what to do so I just prayed and got the answer to auction the ticket off for charity. I contacted Jenny at FOD and she set it all up with Ebay. (Yeah Jenny….you Rock!) Suddenly something, which was so sad started becoming something amazing. I told Maggie what I was doing and that the proceeds would go to SU2C in her mom’s name and that made her so happy.

Ok so here is the concert story. I found out Melody won the auction and emailed her about meeting once I got to Vegas. I was kind of nervous about going alone but if I had known the amazing people I was about to meet I need not have worried. David’s fans are some of the nicest people I have ever met.

I went to the FOD lunch and met some really cool people. We talked, watched videos, played games, and raised money for Rising Star Outreach. If there is one thing that David has awakened in me, it’s the desire to give back. And it is something you understand his fans embrace too from the moment you meet them. They were there for something more than just David and that felt wonderful. It felt like family because that’s what it is.

So after lunch I got ready and met Melody for the first time. We were pals from the first time we met and it was clear we were about to have an amazing adventure together. I share all of the emotions she shared in her story. And I had a great time watching how in awe she was of how immense this experience was as it was unfolding. Every moment was beyond amazing. I felt and still do as though I were walking in a dream and all I did was let go and trust God to lead the way.

So we endured the dreaded wind storm and went into the VIP where there were lots of new friends I had made at the lunch. Tons of people were there from Utah which was cool. I am from LA btw. I felt so at peace and comfortable like it was the most natural thing in the world to be waiting for David to come sing for us. And then there he was and he was just so David. Random, funny, adorable, and at home with us. I told Melody to be prepared for his voice because she has never heard him live. It can be overwhelming.

He sang Heaven which was like walking in Heaven. EVERYTIME he sings it is something new and special and real. It is a gift from his soul to ours and that is why we are so connected to him and to each other. He sings of humanity and peace and love and passion and goodness and integrity and I could go on forever. And then the song is over and he is just little David again almost embarrassed to have had that come out of him. He is so aware of his role as a vessel. That is one thing I have always known about him. He has no ego, None. And that is something I strive for. I have much to learn from this man of 18 years.

Crazy was next and if I was not already floating above the ground I was certainly after this song. Hauntingly beautiful. How could be possibly be able to touch those deepest hurts inside of me and somehow gently bring in the light into those dark places? Yet he does and does not even know it. I looked around the room during both songs and saw the faces of brothers and sisters. I saw us all as one common people who only want to love and be loved.

So then came the questions and they were hilarious. David rambled on about his Turkey burger on wheat bread and how wheat bread is so good and how people don’t get it. He wants to write a love song about wheat bread but call it wheat fields but only he will know its about bread. Haha “White bread is all stretchy but wheat bread is like Ahhhhhhhhhh.”

Then there was the amazing duet with a fan who was pregnant and she was really good. He even said so. And then my favorite quote when he was trying to remember To Be With You he played a random chord and said to himself, “What song is THAT?” It was hilarious.

Ok so then we took pictures and I asked Melodee to take the pic with me because I thought it would be cool. Out of body experience waiting in line to meet David. I told Melodee I was going to tell him what we did for SU2C and she said we would not have time but we were encouraged to tell him from someone in line so when we got to David I just started talking and told him. I wish I could have frame by frame memory because when David looks at you and is listening to you the entire world stops. Literally. This has never happened to me before but with David it did.

When I told him Melodee bought the ticket and that the money went to SU2C his face was so happy and excited and he turned all his attention to Melodee. I thought the girl would explode from the happiness I saw coming out of her. The energy of that moment was so amazing. I truly feel as though I have had a spiritual experience. And it was not just because of David. It was because of everything that brought us there to that moment and all the love which brought us there. It was all love.

So it probably lasted 20 seconds but it felt like a lifetime and then we took our pic with David which came out really great. I look at it and cant believe it really happened. Afterwards we just watched the rest of the people get their pictures and celebrated that everyone was getting a moment just like ours. I felt like a kid and I still do.

We kept standing around and even then thought David needed to go and was very late he stopped in the door to talk about what he was wearing that night. It seemed like he didn’t want to go either. And then he was gone but the joy remained because it was living inside of all of us.
I want to say how amazing the young woman from All Access is. I forgot her name but she was so nice to us and so gets David. It is clear he has worked his magic yet again haha. Melodee and I took a picture with her. She was happy too when I told her the story and shared with me that she had lost her father to cancer last year. It just goes to remind me yet again of the connection we all share with one another. Sometimes it comes through joy and sometimes through shared pain but it is in the sharing that healing comes.

This story is getting to be of epic length but its my heart talking remember? So on to the concert. It was like we had almost forgotten we still got to see DAVID ARCHULETA in concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMgosh. Melodee and I were all fangirl and fanboy as we bopped into the arena to our row 8 seats. They were cool but we didn’t stay there. As soon as David started Touch My Hand I dragged her up to front and the security let us go right to the rail!!!!!!! If you watch the You Can video you can see us behind David the whole time laughing and singing. It was a dream in a dream.

And of course David was out of this world amazing as always. As I said before, every time he sings it is new. Every song is new. Every phrase is new. And there we were at the rail and I kept thinking, “This is like all those pictures I see on FOD but I am here taking them in with my eyes. Unreal. So we danced and jumped and sang and laughed and cried and then he sang Crush and was gone. But the love lingered. The joy lingered. Because we are vessels of that love just as David is. We are drawn to him because he opens within us a direct conduit to that which connects us to one another, love. And I call love God. When I hear David I feel in connection with God. It’s that simple.

Afterwards we all hugged and laughed and I had to say goodbye to Melodee but know that we are forever friends and forever connected by this experience. There are no accidents in Gods world. The rest of the gang all went to TGIF’s and ate and shared stories and pics and laughter. I cant wait to see you all again and to be a share in the beauty that David brings out in all of us.

Thank you Jenny at FOD. Thank you Melodee. Thank you Georgeaan. Thank you all the wonderful Fans of David I met and hope to see soon.
And thank you David.

Blog? Oh why not.

Well somehow I ended up with this blogspace quite by accident so I might as well put it to use. I mean it would such a shame if it just say here empty right? Exactly. No idea as to what will be put here or who will read it but I am writing and that is very important when one is attempting to write a blog