Namaste1111

Above and below

2010-06-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

Why do I love so deeply

yet hold back at times

afraid of drowning

in such tempestual waters?

The surface of love

would seem to be so,

unsure, shifting with the wind,

the only order being chaos.

Yet beneath it all

is the great and mighty sea,

supporting, comforting,

holding every golden moment

safe and gentle.

Cool

within it depths

all is here.

Nothing is lost

to the surface storm

of time.

The illusion is all

when I live here

above love

not sinking down

into its welcoming embrace.

Above

there can be loss

confusion

and heartbreak.

Yet here

is where I must live

and love

laughing and crying

with the wind.

Dancing

and rejoicing

within times

seeming mastery.

A duality

of one

for one is part

of the other.

Life is love

and love is life.

There is no above or below

where all is one.

another perfect day...

2009-12-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

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I wonder
how many perfect days
we could experience,
if only we let ourselves
relax and sink deeply
into the moment.

Is it about the event exactly
or is it that in those moments
we find a perfect connection
with who we really are?

David opens that door
for many of us.
He shows us a beauty
we all feel
deep within our hearts
but which is so many times
masked by fear and sorrow.

He laughs,
and smiles,
and bounces
his way
past our barracades
and lets the light shine
into our very souls.

I found a new family
the first time I experienced
David in concert.
And I found family again
Wed night in Anaheim.

We share
that common bond
of knowing but not knowing
why this angel of a boy
can touch us so deeply.

Truth
needs no explanation.
It merely is.
And the truth is
that David brings love.

He inspires me
to be open
to this miracle of life.
And he challenges me
to be a force for change
and peace in the world.

I was able to tell him
what his music
and example mean to me.
I told him
that he speaks
directly to my soul.

That soul connection
we all feel
not just with David
but with one another.

It is the greatest gift
we can offer.

And so I have
all I need today.
For I have a heart
and a soul
open and ready
to love.

A prayer of Thanksgiving...

2009-11-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

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Dear God

The day is here
and once again I am asked
to put aside my fears
and to embrace this chance.

Help me Lord
to see the truth within me.
Quiet my fearful mind.
Let me focus not on death
but rather upon the continuous
beauty of life about me.

The sparrow.
The light
upon golden leaves
as the wind kisses softly
making a glittering dance
of communion.

No longer alone and afraid
these moments
connect me
to the truth
of who I am.

A part of everything.
Let me sink deeply Lord.
For I long
so much to float
in your Heavenly waters.

Suspended.
Supported.
Touching every smile
every moonbeam
with my innocence
and ancient wisdom.

Within me
lies salvation.
Yet there is no within
and so the truth must lie
everywhere about me.

In everyone
and everything.
I see it!
I smell it!
It fills me
with such sweet longing.

Standing
on the palace balcony.
I rise.
I float.
Not needing to understand.
Not wanting for answers.

For how can there be questions
where all is answered?

Take my heart Lord
in your keeping
as I walk
into this virgin day
full of possibilities
promises and miracles
expectation and acceptance.

Fill me
with patience
surround me
with gratitude.
Lest I fall asleep
again.

I walk out
the awakened one
a part of the world
remembered
the world of your kingdom
the world called
love.

Amen.

Connecting...

2009-11-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

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Dear God,

I take this breath
in your service.
Fill me with your fire.
Light me from within.
So that your radiance
shines forth before me.
I am ready
to spread your light
through forgiveness and understanding.
I am ready
to show your love
through acceptance and tolerance.
I am ready
to be your servant
through commitment and focus.
Lead me Lord.
Sing to me
the songs of Heaven.
Show me
the true path before me.
Allow forgiveness
to first be given unto myself.
For I am on this journey
with my brothers and sisters.
Put your love first in my mind.
Let me not be tempted
by selfish thoughts
of fearful separation.
But let me see truly
the angel
behind every face.
Let me see
the burning soul
behind every teardrop.
Let me see
the timelessness
in every smile.
I open before you.
Fill me deeply
so that I might empty myself
out onto the world.
Let love
be my only song.
Let understanding and wisdom
be my guides
as I go out
into another perfectly
glorious day.
Your gift to us.
The present.
Hallelujah!
Amen

the power of prayer...

2009-11-07T18:51:00.000-08:00

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When I write
it is as if
there is a song
already written
within me
and all I need
do is stop
be calm
listen
and let it
sing through
and out of me
onto the paper.

When I write
there is a connection
like fire and water
flowing through me
warming me
until I am
aglo
with the passion
of existence
reaching out
my heart
and breath
and soul
to the love
which comes through
and out of me.

When I write
I hear
the song
of Heaven
I feel
the angels
around me
and I know
that I am safe
and loved
and a part
of something
bigger
than anything
I could ever
imagine.

When I write
I am home.

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Dear God

I thank you
for this divine
breath.
It moves so deeply
through me.
An instrument
of compassion.
As it fills me
so too fill my heart.
That I might
empty Your love
onto the world.
Let every breath
be my gift.
For I am here
in your service.

Amen

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Finding life between the heartbeats.

2009-10-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

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Writing and music
and laughter and sorrow.
Christmas and celebration
and birth and death.
Life is showing its seasons.
Here in October
I am given the gift of Christmas
from David A. a bit early.
It reminds me of the birth
at a time when I am mourning
the loss of a life.

I am so thankful
for every experience in my life.
They all color
the palet of my heart.

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Pause

I have found
that it is only
when I am forced
to stop and ask
for help
that the answers
come to me.

They are there
resting
in the space
between
expectation
and regret.

As of late
life has opened
a way to
stillness.
Grief
can open the door
as can joy
and laughter.

So as I grieve
I also feel
my heart opening
and ready
for the miracle
given to me
whenever
I pause
and surrender.

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This is the answer I received when I asked for help.

Being
Robert Montgomery

Don’t think. Just be.
All pain comes from thinking.
It separates us from life
placing experience in the mind
rather than the soul-body-mind.
Life here must be shared.

Yet spirit rules
even where it has no wish to.
It will always yield to the mind
for the spirit has no agenda.
It exists outside of time.
It has no use of fear.

The mind must rule to survive.
Such is its delusion.
A prisoner of time and space.
Fear is its greatest ally.
For this sword keeps us earthbound.
Here we can lose, be hurt, and die.

Even religion has given itself
to the mind’s control.
How else could we have imagined
a punishing God
or a hell of retribution?
The mind creating a God in its image.

We truly worship a false idol.
We bow down to the laws of loss and decay.
We praise judgement and damnation.
Never before has the wood of the cross been so strong.
Humanity nailed to a realm of fear.

Yet spirit resides here.
It sparkles within everything.
Unconcerned with the laws
of space and time.
True freedom- free dominion.

The challenge
is to cherish the mind
yet not to exalt it.
If befriended, it can do us no harm.
“Love your enemies, and they are enemies no longer.”

Give yourself the gift of stillness.
as often as is possible throughout the day.
Take a moment
one heartbeat to connect
with the truth of spirit within you.

In this way
you will begin to lay a foundation
of timelessness within time.
Creating a bridge over which you cross
from moment to moment.

With discipline and faith
you will begin to see
that your true life
exists within these moments
between the heartbeats.

You have felt them
so many times before
yet didn’t understand.

Caught in the beauty
of a golden sunrise,
suspended in the innocent laughter
of happy children,
transfixed by the magic
of a Christmas tree.

These are the moments
outside of time
where the soul reveals its secrets.

Not going anywhere
yet resting
in the Holy connection
between thought.

The mind then becomes the friend
which guides us back to the bridge.
Not thinking.
Just being.

the wheel turns...

2009-10-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

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A few days ago
I was sitting
on my bed
with my dog
and I thought
to myself
remember this
moment
because it is
perfect
and it will
not last.

It is that
understanding
that nothing
lasts forever
which allows
us to move
forward
and outward
into more
life.

Today
I lost
a friend
and the grief
is like water
flowing through
and around me
and just as
that moment
of perfect
peace
I knew would
flow through
and past me
so too
will this.

It is
the gift
of surrender
when we
have
no other
options
when the pain
is too much
and God
is our only
salvation.

Tonight
I will be
one with
my grief
allowing it
to flow down
and through me
cleansing me
leaving me
fresh
and ready
for the return
of peace

It is
the heartbeat
of humanity
I feel tonight
playing out
the dance
of life.

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For my friend Jack

I wonder
about time
and this life
running before me
like a river
wild and free
powerful
and unpredictable
asking how
can it mean anything
when every day
melts
into yesterday
revealing
tomorrow's dreams
as today's adventure.

my heart
has embraced
so many shining
breaths
of eternity
tearing me
open
and leaving me
raw
and broken
open
to the next embrace
crying
for the loss
of innocence
praying
for the wheel
to stop.

yet how
can sunlight
be held
in a fist of panic
how can a laugh
linger longer
even as the next breeze
takes it away
leaving only echoes
of happiness
memories unreliable
misty and vague
as time rolls on
the illusion
that I move through
this epic story.

glimpses
of beauty
heartbeats
of perfection
a gentle glance
a knowing smile
these are the threads
which weave
the tapestry I wear
about me
warming me now
on this clear cool
autumn eve
a cloak of memory
promise
of a warrior's dance
in humble wonder
of this miracle
called life.

ready to be an instrument...

2009-10-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

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Held
Robert Montgomery

Gentle morning...
I am calm
and focused...
Remembering
the lessons
I have been
reminded of.

Ready to be
an instrument
of God's
healing
on Earth.

The day sings
the song of waking...
Birds in joyous chorus
to the Heavens
above.

I drink
from the font
of eternal Truth...
the water
the sweetest...
coolest
and thirst
quenching.

Who can find
any agenda here
but God's?

His hands...
hold us.
His arms...
wrap about us.
His voice...
leads us...

Back
to what
we would
remember.

Here
in this
moment
of eternity.

I stand
once again
at Heaven's
door.

Asking...
for instruction.
Asking...
for guidance.
Asking...
for acceptance.

And I know
that all
is given
the moment
I am
willing
to remember.

Opening the Window

2009-10-10T09:32:00.001-07:00

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I had a brief moment in college
when I thought,
"I am going to write poetry."
and so I did.

I bought a journal
and I sat down to write
and out came a voice
I had never heard before.

It was the voice
which was always there
in my times of joy
and of sorrow.

It was the voice
of the morning mist
and the caress
of the afternoon breeze.

When I stopped
to listen
I could so clearly hear
the beauty of life.

Heartbreakingly
simple really
all I needed to do
was ask.

We all have
a poet within
waiting for us
to give it permission
to speak.

This is one of the few pieces
I wrote back in 1985
when I let the window open
and gave myself the opportunity
to sing with my heart.

I read it
25 years later
and it is as if
I wrote it yesterday.

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the day has come
Robert Montgomery

a private morning
I rise to starlight
flecks of light
clinging to the last moments
of night.

Air renewed
cool. crisp
lying ready
for the use of new day.

Where is the sun?
this yellow giant
who fires the world
in ageless splendor.

Mighty ruler
sleeping still
I set out,
in anticipation
of his glorious assent.

Innocence,
purity
simple solitude
the street so barren
yet soon to be trodden
by foot and bike
its cargo now slumbering
behind shades of gray

and I alone
sharing silence
a private time

orange, yellow
the coloring of dawn
spread quickly behind mountains
hiding

it reaches outwards
brighter, brighter
until all is drenched
golden, glowing

the day has come...

Nov 1985

Footnote: I wrote this piece after a morning run. It was a glorious run indeed.

the river calls

2009-10-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

Trust
Robert Montgomery

Awakened
to the day
Yesterday ringing
through my head.
Will I make the most
of these gifts?
Every heartbeat
heaven sent...
drumming out a call
to action.
Calming a mind
which plays the tapes:
"You must do this!"
"You should do that!"
Regret and guilt
are the motivation
of a world still sleeping.
I listen
to the song within...
a river
taking me
through chaos
to paradise...
homecoming.
And here
we all meet
again
for the touching
of souls
is eternal...
a flame unwavering
in the fiercest storm.

Heaven and Earth...living in both worlds.

2009-10-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

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Much of my writing
speaks to homecoming.
It speaks to the call
our souls hear
above and beyond
this physical life.

When I feel most at peace
I lose my connection
to time and space
and am just
simply present.

We are spirit
trying to live
within a physical
realm.

And so we are faced
with the paradox
of life and death,
heaven and earth,
love and fear.

We are constantly
pulled between
the extremes of life
trying to find
a balance between.

I am not sure
we will ever
achieve balance
for to find balance
you must be thrown off of it
from time to time.

For me
life is like the tides,
like the seasons,
like the breath.

It is always
changing
and renewing.
It is a gift
of rebirth
in every moment.

I know
that joy
will pass
and so to
will sorrow.

It is this dance
between the spirit
and the physical
which is life.

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Above and Below
Robert Montgomery

Why do I love so deeply
yet hold back at times
afraid of drowning
in such tempestual waters?

The surface of love
would seem to be so,
unsure, shifting with the wind,
the only order being chaos.

Yet beneath it all
is the great and mighty sea,
supporting, comforting,
holding every golden moment
safe and gentle.

Cool
within it depths
all is here.
Nothing is lost
to the surface storm
of time.

The illusion is all
when I live here
above love
not sinking down
into its welcoming embrace.

Above
there can be loss
confusion
and heartbreak.

Yet here
is where I must live
and love
laughing and crying
with the wind.

Dancing
and rejoicing
within times
seeming mastery.

A duality
of one
for one is part
of the other.

Life is of love
and love is life.
There is no above or below
where all is one.

Radiant...

2009-10-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

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wheel
Robert Montgomery

do I live on a line?
or is it a wheel?
here to there
or all from a center?
radiating.

to walk a line
leaves me
unstable...
neither here nor there
past, future
all moving...
no connection.

the wheel gives me
a center
and as I turn
past, present, future
all connect
like ripples
in a still summer lake.

I live on a wheel.

Pictures from life...

2009-10-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

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Why?

2009-10-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

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Because
Robert Montgomery

freedom
free dominion
the domain
of the free
freedom

I am writing because ...
I know that there is something ...
wanting for a voice within me...
always there ...
waiting to be released...
patient and insistent...
furious and gentle...
builder and destroyer...
it is the me of the ages...
this pallet
richly stained ...
by the eruption of Life...
too long away...
I linger here...
timeless moment...
sure to be swallowed...
again in times delusion....
the focus obscured...
until the crystal...
shines clear again...
and I wonder...
have I been away?...
so much like a dream...
these times away...
that I scarcely notice...
the flow...
until I am away again...
and then it is the longing...
to return...
which aches within me...
irregular heart...
yearning to beat...
with the drums of Heaven...

I am writing because...
this key has been given me...
I know what it opens...
I see the garden before me...
so many friends...
blessed kindred...
beckon me home...
I write to remember...
the key in my hand...
I write to share...
this ecstasy...
of acceptance...
and total knowing...
returning to that...
which was never forgotten...
by the heart...
beating its ancient call...
to the truth...
virgin within us...
and as I write...
I am here..
amidst Heaven's sigh...
peaceful union...
connecting me...
golden thread...
stretching into eternity...
I write to share...
I write to create...
I write to sing ...
the song of homecoming...
to all who would hear.

the memory of peace...

2009-10-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

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Remembering Peace
Robert Montgomery

Oh peace…
when I remember you
life slows to a heartbeat.

Breath…
feeding my soul
smiling through me.

You give me
such blissful
surrender.

Deep,
gentle,
ancient rest.

Time forgotten
as illusion floats away
on the surface
of your eternal comfort.

“I rest in God”
here where meaning
is meaningless.

Oh peace
feed me the mana
for which I hunger.

Sweet homecoming
of stillness.

adrift
yet connected
through the gift
of your tranquil waters.

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Breath of Heaven

2009-09-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

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Sentinel
Robert Montgomery

Why is unity so fleeting?
To touch the face of God completes us.
As is every cell, every breath, every thought,
rests safely in His loving embrace.

So natural it seems to remain here
in the bosom of acceptance.
All of life's mysteries revealed.
Wonder and gratitude flowing.

What pulls me away?
Watching from outside the window.
A beggar at the feast.
My invitation in my hand.

I see clearly the doors guardian.
Armored sentinel, fears companion.
Its face hidden behind
layers of denial and regret.

Easy to fear the unknown.
Easy to forget my Savior's promise.
Here in the icy illusion
which is my chosen reality.

Yet in a breath of Heaven
my God reaches out to me yet again.
I can see the guardian's face
and clearly it is my own.

His armor of separation falls away
in one glittering remembrance.
"Welcome" is his message.
Acceptance and understanding are His promises.

I have always been here.
Honored guest at the feast.
My brothers and sisters about me.
Singing the chorus of salvation.

rising with the dawn...

2009-09-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

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Daybreak
Robert Montgomery

Quiet mind.
Don’t think.
Just feel this breath
moving up
and through.
Gentle peace
rising and falling
bringing smiles
of release
and blissful surrender.

All talked out.
Excused away
yet here again.
Always here
asking
waiting
releasing
promising.

At the beginning.
If I could only
live in the dawn.
I am at my best
at daybreak.
My mind clear.
My heart focused.
Distraction yet to touch
my Holy mind.

How to live here
yet not be of here?

finding the teacher within...

2009-09-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

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Autumn Morn
Robert Montgomery

I am so filled
with the joy of living
my heart singing out
on this cool autumn morn.
My heart belongs
to every child.

The vision still lingers
in theirs minds.
Memories
of a Heaven...
flashes of Utopian
perfection.

They battle
the dampening
by the world
of thought.
The wisdom
of the physical.

"What you see is truth."
not what you feel within.

I seek to reveal
their beauty...
the untouched elegance
of their souls.

To teach
is to demonstrate
and so this is my journey
as well.
The children teaching me
as I teach them.

Their wisdom
ancient
in its simplicity.
Their innocent questions
shaking the world
to its foundations.

Opening
to the dream
living it
with every breath
creating family
amongst strangers.

We look
into the deep
stillness
of each others souls
and see
ourselves.

And so we become
one again...
We unite
in understanding...
all of us
children.

All of us playing
as on an endless
summer day
drinking in
the brilliant warmth
of home.

another day begins...

2009-09-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

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________________

elixir
Robert Montgomery

already
and finally
today
where are you really?
anywhere?
is there really anywhere
to go?

for how to move
when you
are always
here?

Questions...
as I begin
yet another day
full of possibility
and mystery.

One would think
that people
could not wait
for the dawn
in excitement
for the promise
of tomorrow.

We live
such patterned
existence's...
routine moving us
through familiar steps.

and so we fall
asleep
to the wonder
of the breath
of the glory of light
sound
and feeling.

every moment
uniquely
crafted
never the same
yet all part
of the tapestry.

I drink
this moment...
sparkling elixir
of heaven.

It expands
within me
warming this vessel
to God's
purpose.

Happiness
rises within me
up
from my toes
and out
of my head.

His gift...
to me.
He wants
so very much
for me to learn
through joy.

and so
with His trust
in my heart
I step out
into another
day.

thanking a friend...Namaste

2009-09-04T16:59:00.001-07:00

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heaven bound

2009-09-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

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the road
Robert Montgomery

Yesterday gone
I am here for another day Lord.
How many times
have we had this conversation?
How many mornings
have I breathed away the ragged
pain of yesterday?

Today
I will look my pain in the face
soberly.
To dull it denies
any connection
with my brothers and sisters.

We all share the same confusion.
We all cringe at the dark
and jump at shadows.
Yet through this epic dream
I can see ahead
the light of Heaven
pouring down from above.

Its light
extends down
into every darkened corner,
warming, glowing,
until all is "ablaze"
all is safe
in its gentle embrace.

I walk this road
not alone,
in faith and trust
that I must learn this
if I am to bring it to others.
I must know this
if I am to come home.

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the gift of flight...

2009-09-02T21:28:00.001-07:00

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Remembered Wings
Robert Montgomery

My mind wants to wander
free from my own restrictions
released from this bondage
of who I think I need to be.

My soul wants to play
touching sunbeam to sunbeam
open to this truth
of who I am really.

Light,
Truth
Compassion,
Understanding

Love.

Looking out
with soft eyes
and a gentle smile
of peaceful acceptance

upon a world
of angels
still remembering
they have wings.

i just love this picture...life is art

2009-09-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

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welcome at the feast

2009-08-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

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banquet
Robert Montgomery

yearning to share
a door flung open
and out of the ancient halls
comes music divine.

Sweet billowing songs
of gratitude
echo throughout
this sacred place
too long held silent
and waiting.

words come
together
wanting to weave
beauty
wanting to stretch
open
the close fisted heart
of a frightened world.

sometimes this process
hurts and I can feel
the weeping inside myself.
Tears for the world
and grief
for not caring enough.

Is this evil?
Is this the force
which attempts
to take me
from God's right hand?
petty worry...
senseless desire...
dull pain?

to remember
fills the halls again
with rapturous music
and the gentle knowing
of my Lord's smile
always the choice...
always the table set
and waiting for
me to be seated.

the discipline of peace...

2009-08-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

_____________________________________

Discipline
Robert Montgomery

Man has become waiters in time.
Marking the days.
We count down to events
only to pass them by
en route to another destination.

Sometimes we linger
and time slows to a heartbeat.
Beyond plans and definitions.
These pauses are ironically
the life we are searching for.

Everything else is movement
away from paradise.
For such is found within
and the spasms of the outer world
so many times blind us.

Can we live without and within?
Surely for God means us to be happy in physical form.
Yet this takes discipline
and a commitment to retrain the mind’s thinking.

Finding our inner voice opens all of life to us.
Suddenly the connection are clear
and we see beyond time and space
to the unity of all which is truth.

Why, how, when, where…
all become so many scattered petals
on the breeze of our Holy mind.
For where all is one
there are no questions.

Pausing to Remember...

2009-08-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

_________________________

remember
Robert Montgomery

remember...
the sky
and the promise
of sun drenched
tomorrows

remember...
laughter
and the echo
of play filled
yesterdays

remember...
the dawn
and the glory
of each newborn
morning

remember...
moonlight
and the reflection
of silver etched
evenings

remember...
children
and the beauty
of untouched
innocence

remember...
wisdom
and the lessons
left along the road
before you

remember...
truth
and the song
resounding
within you

remember...
the way
home.

Inspiration...

2009-08-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

Celestial Skies
Robert Montgomery

Celestial skies
cloudy, gray,
with bits of blue
peeking through.
Heaven looking down
as we slumber
in a colorless dream.

I sit here
as always
these hands
before me
these eyes
searching out
what?

How can I seek
when I am here?
What can be looked for
where all is found?

Riddles of life
keeping me moving
when the secret lies
in stillness.

All the world
its flow
and tantrums
roll about me.

Yet I am
the eye of this storm.
I am
the expector
of these images.

I close my eyes.
Is the world still there?
I change my mind.
Is it still true?

Living in the moments
between the questions.
Picking words
as fruit from the vine.

Sweet nectar
ripe and waiting.
My soul
awaiting
this attention.

Giving myself
to the flow
of my desire.
Not editing
or worrying about
content.

Does the vine
worry of its blossoms?
Does the river
chart its course?

Now above
the skies begin to open.
Bright pieces of light.
Cracks in the gray.

Reminding me
of the Watcher
Who sees all
and is always with me.

As I look up
the light moves
into these eyes
and I am above
and below
without
and within.

Breathing myself
into the blessed
connection
with sight
sound,
color and texture
creation and destruction.

I sit here
as always
this soul
searching
reaching out
for communion.

Listen to the children...

2009-08-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

_____________________________________

Visionary
Robert Montgomery

Vision
belongs to the children
yet we teach them
to grow up...
put it away.

Following
but never leading
we walk the road
laid out for us...
not realizing
we could imagine
a new one.

The children
are our future
not because
they are tomorrow's
adults
rather...
they are today's
visionaries.

What they teach us
can move us
into a new world.

The question remains...
will we listen?

Finding the child inside...

2009-08-23T23:06:00.000-07:00

_________________________________

Childlight
Robert Montgomery

time in the sun
laughter sprinkled
along my forgotten
fantasy
so long
distant
childhood echoes
dusty in the afternoon
haze.

so much magic
in that remembered
illusion
haunting in its
complex simplicity
just out of focus
somewhere beyond
my reach.

I can see
there through it all
with me
on that playground
long ago
that boy
so knowing
and yet
so very afraid...

I can feel
there
that familiar
arm
always
about my shoulders
touching my soul
when I felt
so very alone...

Where is he
that boy
who knew so much
who felt
so deeply
who suffered
the pain
of so many
confused angels?

Here he sits
smiling from deep
inside me
filling me up
with the wisdom
of an innocent
ripped open
by the world's
suffocating
denial.

His eyes
look out and see
confused
angels
mighty
regal
in their
pure
focused
passion.

I see
the angels
every day
in the war
etched faces
of the prematurely
mature
children
I am so blessed
to know.

On time...

2009-08-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

Suspension
Robert Montgomery

Time slows
To sunlight through trees
Warm upon my face
Forgotten and remembered
These echoes of eternity
Laughing away care
In valleys of dew
Freshly kissed
By the day

Time yawns
To stretch this breath
Up and through me
Vision expanded
Taking me upwards
And outwards until
I float as
Summer petals white
On this ancient breeze

Time suspends
To capture perfection
A crystal of knowing
Deep inside me
It sings of wisdom
And courage
It shines with strength
And compassion
Within me

Time teaches
To hold precious
This heartbeat
Shared with history
All lies within
And without
Above and below
Expanding to embrace
A life of true vision.

Heaven's Heart

2009-08-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

____________________________________________________________________

I love this picture. It says everything.

heaven is waiting
Robert Montgomery

every moment
is creation.
every breath
a chance
to do things
differently.

We search
for secrets...
keys which will
open the doors
to our captive
dreams.

seemingly made
of iron
cast deep
in the cauldron
of eternity...

Ours are dreams held
at someone else's mercy.

Yet if we only
were to look
deeply
we would see
the face
behind the mask.
we would see
the face
of our captor...

for it is ourselves.

In any moment
we are given
the choice.
In any moment
we can decide
to let our passion
and joy
run free...
until the world
is drenched
in the unbridled
glow
of happiness.

The birds
already sing.
the light
already plays
golden
against the wind
blown leaves.

It is a world
constantly calling
for our participation...
asking us
to join
the dance.

Will we make
the choice for joy
or for pain?
for surely either
will be reflected
onto a weary world
too long held
in the bondage
of our confusion.

the answers
cry out to us
in every moment...
ancient secrets
played out on the
gentle summer
breeze.

stop and listen...
the birds are singing.
Will we join
the chorus
or will ours
be the cry
of anguish
before the falling
blow
of the executioner?

it is our choice...
heaven is waiting.

___________________________________________________________

Burn

2009-08-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

burn
Robert Montgomery

I flow
with this pen
from one moment
into the next.

Looking
to release
the need
to question at all.

Looking
to lose
this character
made up of scraps
of memory
and collected
interpretations...

spasms
of illusionary
experience...
seeking to save
rather than burn
clean.

Fragmented beings
only believe
they are so
when really
the fire
of one thousand
suns
burns inside
waiting
for release.

If
we were
to understand...
if only
we threw
off the veil.
So thin
that which
separates us
from our salvation.

So thin
and yet
in our conditioned
awareness
we see
a fortress
from which
the only escape
is death.

And so
we hide
amongst
the safe
battlements...
ignoring
the truth.

Every
one of us
harbors
the secret desire,
the hope,
that we will be
the one
to outwit death.

And yet
so many
have done this
but not within
the illusion.
They transcend
experience
by being
a fearless part
of every breath.

Radiating
the fire
rising
above
chaos
to blissful
acceptance.

Inspired by the gift of song...

2009-08-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have been lucky enough
to be inspired by the music of David Archuleta
this is for you.

But it also speaks
to inspiration as it comes
to us in any form.

This poem speaks
to the spirit
which dwells in each of us.

Namaste
is a salute
to that spirit.

David's gift
has opened again within me
that voice,
that yearning to share
and to connect.

It is the tug on our hearts
we feel when he sings,
or talks, or laughs or just smiles.
It is the call of home
we all so long to hear.

I can so clearly see
and feel spirit
working through David
but the gift
is that I feel it again
within myself.

And so I share this
with all of you
in salute of that connection
we all share.

It is the prayer
I see within his face
whenever he offers
his heart to us.

The Gift
Robert Montgomery

Oh spirit start
to sing within me
play upon
my eager soul.

Open me
to joyful rapture
deep within
this willing heart.

I am yours
to turn and polish
making me
a tool of love.

I am here
in peaceful silence
looking to
the light above.

Oh spirit see
this empty vessel
ready to
be filled and poured.

Sharing song
and light and laughter
out onto
a ready world.

Cycle...

2009-08-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Cycle
Robert Montgomery

So what is poetry?
Have I grown?
Still questioning so much.
Still stretching
and questioning.
Perhaps that is growth...
the constant upheaval
of accepted truth...
unearthing the new
from the decay
of yesterday.

Walking fresh
into the now...
Readying the soil
for new growth
and expansion...
The cycle returning
to birth...
in every breath taken
is life given
and in every exhale
is life returned.

This dance
is one
of constant release
for these hands
can only hold
the present.
This soul
is guardian
of the now.

Here I am
once again...
shaking off the chains
of illusion
stepping out
of the story line
the plot...
emerging
radiant...
focused...
expansive!

This oneness
the truth
of all truths...
this connection
the real high of life...
all knowing mine
for the asking
all meaningless
and divinely
immense.

I am
in the garden
and of the garden.
I have never left.
We never left.
The illusion
is the gate
for how to exit
that which is
everything.

His way...

2009-08-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

His Way
Robert Montgomery

just when I think
that life is one way
it turns around and becomes
another way but
always the same way
only I don't see
that the only way
is His way
and I remember
that mine is a journey
of ultimate trust
and if I only
breathed that
in every moment
that this soaring adventure
would connect me
as the bird
gliding the breeze
of summer

On saying goodbye...

2009-08-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

do they know?
Robert Montgomery

It suddenly hit me
today on this bright
gentle July afternoon...
looking over at the pictures
it hit me
they're gone
really gone...

No more
excuses
to get out of class
no more
laughter in hallways
or the promise
of tomorrow's excuses.

"Have a nice weekend"
"See you tomorrow"
reduced to
"Take care and visit."
"Go change the world...
it needs you."

Do they know
that an age has passed?
Golden innocence
even in the face
of so much
horrific insanity.

Do they see
the bubble burst
behind them
opening the door
to what is
and what must be?

I smile through
the heartbreak
knowing that this heart
holds the precious
memory
of their days
in this particular sun.

It suddenly hit me
today on this endless
July afternoon
that they are gone
really gone...
to their lives.

On faith, questions, answers and harmony..

2009-08-18T10:33:00.000-07:00

faith
Robert Montgomery

My heart
does not need
belief.
It is irrelevant
in the face
of true
knowing.

Truth itself
offers
no opposite...
no alternate
choice.

Turning away
does not change
the face
of God.

It merely brings
isolation
confusion
chaos
and despair
to the mind.

How can a sunbeam
separate itself
from the Sun?
How can a wave
be separate
from the Ocean?

And so how
can I exist
apart from God?

July 1997

______________________________________________________

Again
Robert Montgomery

Always the struggle
with the individual.
I sit here
in the Sanctuary
where it all began.
Gentle breeze
upon my face...
the trees singing me
Welcome.

"The Garden lies
within my son.
Paradise
is always
yours
for the asking.
You hold the key.
You know the secrets
for there are none.
All that is
has always been
and always will be.
All time breathing
into this one
moment."

Glittering
golden
as I sit here
once again
in God's sanctuary.
Atlantis rising.
Egypt reborn.
Resurrection
and rebirth
the Gifts
of remembering.

July 1997

___________________________________________________

response
Robert Montgomery

"Too much of this...
too little of that.
My mind held captive
to the definitions
of the world."

Why am I so hard on myself?
Why do I feel so inauthentic?
as if everything I say
is edited...
and analyzed...
for meaning.
Hidden intent.
Hidden agenda.

But who's?

I want so much
to stop the tapes
grinding
in my head.
And I know
how to do it
so why am I afraid
of the work?

Balance
and focus
will clear the slate
wiping away
the hallucination
of regret
and lost moments.

How can I write
of that which I don't believe?
How can I say these words
when my life
does not support them?
Why am I so hard
on myself?

July 1997

___________________________________________________

Harmony
Robert Montgomery

Yesterday fell into place beautifully
once I remembered who I was.
The deflection of life seems to only happen
when I strive to navigate the river.

Sinking deeply into every experience is the key
but not with worldly definitions.
It may look from the outside as if someone is detached
yet the miracle unfolds internally.

How can we open fully
to the majesty of every heartbeat?
It is the beat which plays the rhythm of life...
without a single note
the song is incomplete.

Just as every person makes a difference
so too does every laugh
every sigh
every snowflake
every moonbeam.

The tapestry is continually created
and we are stitchers
and stitches
creators
and created.

Our part is no more or no less that any other
yet perfectly balanced
on the wheel
of creation.

Harmony requires perfect balance.

Balance requires perfect harmony.

Truth needs equal participation.

July 1997

and so I look into a future full of possibility. But I walk in the sureness of my own faith in God and His faith in me.

struggling with promises...

2009-08-18T09:41:00.000-07:00

I guess that it must be
a part of the human experience
to want to do better,
to want to be better people.

Sometimes we are hardest with ourselves.
This poem speaks to that battle within.
Yet when we turn it over to God
we realize that the only battle
was with ourselves.

God was always there
just "waiting for the smallest invitation",
never judging,
and always seeing the beauty
which we truly are.

promise
Robert Montgomery

Promises I make
promises I break
in these early hours.
My breath tight
the guilt of failure
rising within me.

Why can't I be strong?
Why am I not better?
Why always the promise?
How many mornings
must I rise to the chaos
of my own mind?

Gentle companion,
teacher, friend...
walk with me
show me
the forgiveness
within my self.

Remind me
of laughter
and the song of life.
Let is rise
ringing within me
heralding the day.

I so long
for the comfort
of your loving arms.
My heart cries out
for understanding.
It aches for peace
and the solitude
of acceptance.

Around me now
the angels flock
and the beat of their wings
blows away all guilt,
blows away all failure,
blows away
my self-imposed pain.

The inner smile
spreads through me now
warming with the fire.
I am forged anew.
The promise kept is His!
I am and will always be
welcome.

I am and will always be
a part of this glorious chorus.
My voice raised high
dancing to the heavens...
my only promise
that I will remember
the way back home.

Acceptance....

2009-08-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

So much time
spent trying to get
somewhere
with something.

I am hiking
up a mountain
of my own design...
trying to drag along
my own fears
and disappointments.

Why else would it be so?

Anyone can see
that death allows us
no luggage.

Why then
would I carry
so much with me
during the journey?

It is simple.
I fear the moment.

For this breath
is all I truly have
and upon its release
perhaps another.

Perhaps not.

That truth
is so profoundly
earth shattering
that I cannot accept it.

For to do so
would make every breath
vital.

Every heartbeat is
the ultimate chance
to live from the light I know
is my destiny.

I know.
yet wait until...
I have enough money,
or years, or pain, or whatever.

Yet that day
will never come
for I know that today
is all there is.

There is no guarantee on tomorrow.

Not a cliché
but an immensity
I fear looking upon.

And so I delay
and rarely ever live.

A life devoid of fear
lived in true trust...
I have felt it so many times.
Within it all is peaceful acceptance.

Within it too
lies a powerful responsibility
to live from there always.

Was not that Christ's message?

"You too can overcome the illusion
of life and be man's salvation."

We cannot
and do not
enter Heaven alone.

June 1998

Who am I today?

2009-08-17T10:39:00.001-07:00

Maybe it's the day.
Maybe it's always the same day.
For whatever has led me here
I welcome
and do not fear
the destroyer
of so much paper
illusion.

I find myself wandering
through prose elegant
and noble.
Yet nothing rings
within this hungry soul
so eager to be
the prince again

Forgetting
that princes live
in isolation.

Led here to this door
and behind it
a lifetime
I had almost forgotten.
a Me
I had filed away
behind walls
of arrogant survival.

I open it
and out flows
truth
blinding
radiant
undeniably
pure
and instantly
nourishing.

Feeding a hunger
I could not
define.

What do I believe...

2009-08-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

I wrote this 25 years ago yet so easily could have written it today.

There was a time when
I looked inside
and saw merely
a reflection of thought...
learned images of what was
supposed to be real.

Concrete within me lay
definitions
of love, trust,
understanding.
Where did they come from?
Who defends their truth?

I looked deeper.
There were the questions
I felt I had answered
believing I understood
but never "knowing"
never really "knowing"

Here I fell short of my goal
for to truly know
of thought and mind
there is no thought,
no debate,
no question.

It is there...
to hold, to caress,
to treasure.

Now,
I do not know,
I do not seek.
I look inside and see
a reflection...

a reflection of you.

Finding my faith again...

2009-08-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

Another love poem
I wrote to someone
thinking that they were the vessel
of my happiness.

I have learned
that faith in anything material
will always fail.

People leave.
Possesions come and go.
We ride the tide
of embrace and release in this life.

The only thing eternal is love.

I realize today
as I read this poem
that I am the vessel.
I choose to love
and to receive love.

I have found my faith again.
I have found my God
who has never left me.

He waited patiently
for my return.

Today I can rest
in the comfort
of His eternal understanding and grace.

I used to wonder
At the mysteries
Of the world

Now
My life is full
Of wonder

I used to think
That my heart
Could never truly
Be shared.

Now I think
That my heart
Beats with another

I used to ache
At the sight
Of true beauty

Now I ache
With the beauty
Flowing through me

I used to dream
That my love
Would come to me.

Now I wake
To dreams
Of passion and trust

I used to believe
That happiness
Was elusive

Now I believe
In the promise
Of love

I used to reach out
And find
Empty space.

Now I reach out
And find you
Holding me.

On love...

2009-08-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

I wrote this awhile back about someone.
At that time I thought that love had to be found.
I thought that it rested like a treasure in another
and without them I had nothing.

Today I read this love poem
and realize
that it is written
to that beauty which connects us all.

I choose to call it God.

Just like we need a lamp
to bring light
into a darkened room
so too does God need us
to shine the light of love
out onto a needy world.

At least that's what I believe today.

you are
the golden
end of day
you are
the laughter
when children play

you are
a bird
in graceful flight
you are
a moonbeam's
silver light

you are
the wind
caressing the trees
you are
the whisper
of a gentle breeze

you are
fierceness
and strength
you are
passion
and flight

you are
softness
and sweetness
you are
goodness
and light

you are
my future
you are
my past
you are
now and forever

my love at last

12-25-03

Vessel

2009-08-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

Standing at the chasm
of unspoken truth
deep the denial...
echoes of a soul
crying to be heard...
begging for the smallest
attention.

Is this a love
of required duties?
the words like chains
binding me to a self
I don't want to be...
retreating...
trapped.

Who is speaking now?
Why does this heart
need for anything?
Why does my gift
suddenly require
recognition?
confused.

I've already played
this role seemingly
before me
stagnant
with the decay
of remembered
pain.

Why does truth
make me feel
so alone?
emptied...
of my endless
excuses...
naked.

I am awake
rising
from troubled
slumber
nightmares
of excused exile...
stripped.

attuned...
intent..
focused...
prepared...
a cup is useful
only
when it is empty.

Feb 1997

Friend

2009-08-17T09:51:00.001-07:00

i sit
as before
an instrument
unsure
of the player

singing
inside me
the voice tugs
and yearns
for release

welcome
calming
friend
companion
teacher

i sit
and wait
balanced
tuned
resonant

the melody begins.

The Angel's Prayer

2009-08-17T09:46:00.000-07:00

Breath into me Lord.
Slow my jumbled thoughts.
Still the tapes.
They are echoes
of a past
I now release.

Opening
to powerful
solitude.
A centering
which does not separate
but connects.

The wheel
its strength
in shared unity...
all parts equally balanced...
giving and receiving...
power from the center.

Core understanding.

To be one
with my brother
I must go
to the center
and so become one
with all.

I pray now for those
who do not yet hold the vision.
May the angels surround them
and offer them understanding
a glimpse of perfection
connection.

Place that vision
foremost in my mind Lord
as I begin this day...
as I take on once again
my own mission
which you have laid out for me.

Clear my mind
so that my heart
may once again hear
the sweet melody
of Heaven.

Let the golden chorus
carry me back
into your arms.
I rest safely now
in the surety that soon
we will all be here
awakened
and loving...
free.

Amen

Sometimes...

2009-08-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes
I awaken
with the song
of God's chorus
ringing through
my foggy head.

Sometimes
I stumble
to the coffee
struggling to wake
and calm
my ragged breath.

Sometimes
I hear
the gentle call
of angels
singing to
my aching heart.

Sometimes
I struggle
to stop the tapes
playing out
the story of
my guilty failures.

Always
I breath
away the confusion
and welcome
the call
of my yearning soul.

Until Now

2009-08-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

A day before us...
uncharted...
full of possibilities.
We are not
the people
we were
yesterday.
Every moment
the past
falling
away...
leaving us
fresh and clear
free
from expectation
free
from failure
ready
to embrace
the moment.
Breath it in
you have never breathed
until now
Look around
you have never seen
until now.
Laugh
for it is your first laugh.
Sing out
with your new voice.
"Be the change."
Celebrate
eternity is here.

Waking

2009-08-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

it is the end
of another day
again the embrace
of velvet sleep
as I forget
or remember
my reality.

where do we live
and where
do we dream
for life moves
with such spasms
of heartbreaking
moments.

Explosive
stretching time
around experience
like a bubble
then bursting
and allowing the flow
to begin again.

who am I?
this me remembered?
practiced?
called forth daily
playing the tapes
of past fears, joys,
celebration, despair?

how do I not
remember?
living fresh
a lover
of every breath
intimate
with every heartbeat.

it is heavy
this facade of me
so much work
trying to be
the me
I think everyone
wants me to be.

I dream
of sinking
deeply into every
sun drenched moment
warming me
from the inside out
ablaze in my rapture.

connected
to everything
and so I become
only light
radiating
always new
and ancient.

as I sleep
I will wonder
if I am awake
and if this life
has been one of
dreaming...
and waking
to Heaven

blessings...

2009-08-11T21:00:00.001-07:00

Conversation...

2009-08-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

take me
comfort me
teach me
lead me

rhythm
beat
breath
filled

random
life seems
by chance
and still
a cycle
binding us
to repeat
our mistakes
until they burn
firing glorious
ashes afloat
on the breeze
of redemption.

creation
is spontaneous
and courageous
leaping
into the void
trusting
in truth
and the promise
of Salvation.

heart song

2009-08-11T06:35:00.000-07:00

its as if
I had never heard
music before
until your voice
found its way
into my broken
heart.

You found
a way within
my defenses
filling my soul
with a song
of tender
hope.

Forgotten Wings

2009-08-08T07:31:00.001-07:00

Observations at an airport...

2009-08-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

coming and going
but all of us going
only the workers
call this place home
the rest of us
transients
uprooted
and on the move

still we take
a piece
of our world
out with us
clothes, walk,
attitude...
all programmed
into the muscles

we become creatures
on auto pilot
merely reliving
the same patterns over
and over again
and we ask,
"why is this always
happening to me?"

choices...
life shows us things
and we choose
sometimes the choices
are thrust upon us
but that
is the secret to living...

we are
always
at choice
we always
have
the option
of smiling.

Sarasota Bound...

2009-08-06T09:35:00.000-07:00

There is no way to know
where the road leads
unless you take
the first step.

February 11th, 2008
I took my first
tentative step
along my road
to recovery.

I knew forward
was my only choice.
I could not stand idle
and behind me
lay only darkness.

The step
was really taken for me.
For when I finally
decided to let God
back into my life
miracles happened.

On that day
I met two angels
and their light
illumined the path
before me.

They took my hand
and with a laugh
and a smile
told me
that I was
their new best friend.

And it was and is true.
Truth has no defense
or definition
it merely is.

I knew them
and they knew me
from a time
beyond time
where only love
exists.

They believed
in me
when I could not
believe in myself.

They had faith
in me
when I could find
little faith in myself.

They trusted
in me
and I began
to trust and believe
and have faith
again.

The angels
are playmates
They do not come
with swords and fire
They come with music
and laughter
and the promise
of a summer afternoon

They remind us
of who we are
and of where
we are meant
to be

They show us
our true selves
behind our fear
and the illusion
of this world

They hold up
a mirror
to our face
and let us see
the angel within.

Today
I leave to meet
my newest best friend
the angel Keenan
who waits for me
in a place called
Sarasota.

I am her
Godfather
She is my
Goddaughter.
Miracles everywhere
once we open our eyes
and see them.

Sarasota bound
am I
heading towards
Heavens Gate.

my gratitude list

2009-08-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

FAMILY

Sometimes I just need to step back
and remember
that everything is fine
that everything in this moment
is perfect.

It is in those moments
that I feel the angels
around me
and the gentle call
of my God calling me
Home.

All is well
All is as it should be.

A prayer of gratitude...

2009-08-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

___________________________________________

I rise
in gratitude
for today is a gift
precious and unique
once taken
never to be
repeated.
my heart
sings out in thanks
for I have been given
one more chance
to be the person
I know
I am meant to be
to say the things
I know
I am meant to say
to listen
as I know
I am meant to listen
I ask God
to walk with me
as I venture out
into this virgin day
full of promise
full of opportunity
full of responsibility
for the world needs
my compassion
His arms surround me
and the angels fly
about me
I am safe
I am loved
I am new again
and so it is
Hallelujah
Amen

________________________________________________

One day...

2009-08-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

one day
I will stop making excuses
and will begin
living my promises.

one day
the pain of denial
will become thunderous
and I will break free
or be drowned
in the sureness
of my own
fear.

one day
salvation will be
the only choice
redemption
the clear path.

one day
I will rise
looking to the sun
I will see it
drenching the world
in its golden embrace
and I will realize...

one day
has always been
today.

On writing...

2009-08-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

____________________________________________________________________________

It began in an explosion one day
on a train ride to San Diego.

I had been journaling for a number of years
but it had never been prose, never something like this.

It felt as though I took a breath
and as I let it out words came with it.
Like one big sigh.

That's how it feels when they come out of me.
Because that is exactly what happens.
They just flow out like water and all I do is write it down.

I was excited and scared at the same time.
How did this come out of me?
But the questions didn't stop the flow
and I began over the next few years to write daily.

Sometimes I would scribe two or three pieces in a day.
Its as if a faucet had been opened
and my job was to capture all that came out.

Certainly I directed the flow
but always the process was the same.
I relaxed and out it came.

It became my friend.
It became my refuge.
It became my connection to something outside myself.
It became my way back to God

Until that day
when I lost my way
and I became afraid
of opening myself up again.

I became afraid of that voice
and the questions
and the pain
and the answers.

So it has been 8 years
and I am just beginning to trust again
I am just beginning to relax
and let it flow again.

And in that process
I look back at where I have been
in order to see who I am today.

Small steps
on this journey
back to where I belong.

__________________________________________________________________________

Awakening...

2009-08-03T14:20:00.000-07:00

Awake
Breath of dawn
Shifting into
Thoughts of movement
Style and focus.

Trying to find
Words to flow
Trying to ignite
The voice of passion.

Looking for my friend
Where I have denied him
Kept him hidden
Behind plans and obligations
Kept him sleeping
Within my tightened breast.

An angel afraid of flying
A fish afraid of swimming
A star afraid of the light.

I dash into doorways
And whisper excuses
I enter the celebration
But never stay long
Never find the way
To stay for eternity.

Trapped by my own
Definitions and demands
Trapped into thinking
That I am the jailer
That I have the power
To keep this soul captive.

Such arrogance
To think that I
Could hold the oceans
Such insanity
To think that I
Could keep the starlight
When vision is mine
For the mere task of asking.

These words are mere keys
To finding that truth
Discarding my fears
By singing the chorus
Of connection and wisdom.

The voice within me rises
And smiles its welcome
For I was the one
Who was sleeping
I was the one
Who was dreaming.

Here is where I live
And here is where
I have never left.

The return is one
Of perception
And acceptance
Commitment
And sacrifice.

Giving up
My own damnation
Giving up
My comfortable faults
Giving up
And growing up.

I rise
Breath of dawn
Shifting into
Thoughts of connection
And radiance
Vibrating
With the energy
Of all.

looking back and within...

2009-08-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

My Wonder Filled Life...

2009-08-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

I wonder...

where are the words?
which spoke
so clearly
of salvation.

where is the song?
which sang
so sweetly
in my ears.

where is the smile?
which rested
softly
upon my face.

calm
and sure
of Heaven's
invitation .

I look
for the words
and find them
patiently waiting

I listen
and hear
the song
eternally playing.

I smile
and my soul
is lifted
upwards.

Welcome
at the table
a feast
of homecoming.

I look
for words
and songs
and smiles...

and remember
that mine
is a life
of wonder.

Homecoming....

2009-08-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

valley

Mom and Dad's
backyard...
in a waiting haze.
Almost violent
in my peace.

Struggle...
for what reason?
Unease
and bliss.
Nervous elation.

Must I decide?
Must I choose to sink
into this?
Yet which side?
The middle is agony.

Ignorance.
Blind.
and yet
now I look out
on a sight.

Symphony
of golden
heaven kissed
sunlight.
The trees laugh
and dance
in its warm embrace.

Another ending
of the same day.
Over and over again
the glory.
Twining together
a blanket
of ancient chimes.

Oh the perfection.
Oh the shame
of forgetting.
And yet
I am so welcomed.

I am in the song...
singing to me
and through me.
Off now
to the valley
of gold.

Echoes
of my childhood...
beckoning...
come.

Angel song...

2009-07-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

angeles

the pallet lies empty
as I await
the return of
the painter

silent the strings
which play
the sweetest
melodies of life.

silence
stretches around me
protecting and preparing
the vessel.

awaiting
the breath
and the promise
of connection .

filling
with the passion
with the brilliant laughter
of angels song.

An affirmation...

2009-07-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

Brushstrokes

Looking out at the world
with a poet's brush.
Taking strokes to tell the story
as I see it,
as I feel it,
beating within me.

How do I describe
the fragile beauty of the garden
as the sun gives each flower
its last kiss
of golden warmth?

How do I put words to
the mystery and intrigue
of watching a single plant
grow and become something magnificent?

How do I tell of the pain
and loneliness I see
in the face of a young boy?
And of his joy in knowing
someone cares for him?

"Chaos in the garden."

I wrote these words long ago.
My heart longs to stretch
yet fear and judgment hold it still,
silent, echoing a song
which once filled it with passion.

An artist lives only in the moment.
For the creation of life is in itself an art.
And when do we live but now?

Words upon a page are not living
unless they are taken up
and sung with the dawn.

I so wish for a new song.
One which will open me up
to the beauty all around me.

Today my lesson is one of Affirmation.
I will affirm all that is healthy
and beautiful within myself and within my life.

Walking the artist's path again
with open eyes and open heart
my song is already within me.

All I need do is sing.

Searching for me...

2009-07-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

This is a piece I wrote awhile back but it speaks to what I was going through at the time.

Ask me who I am.

You think I am the same person
I was before
Able to do the same things
I did before.

You see someone
Who looks like me.
You hear someone
Who sounds like me.

But it is not me.
I am not here anymore.

I am buried deep
Beneath a summer afternoon.

I was lost
Sitting on the curb
Waiting for the coroner
And the sheriff’s questions.

I am changed
And no one sees it.

If you want to know me
Then ask me who I am
I will tell you
If I can.

I know
That you can never understand
What was lost
And what I am still finding.

All I ask
Is patience
And compassion
And understanding.

I would be here if I could.
Amongst those who make my heart sing.
But my way back comes
In little steps.

I am doing the best I can.

A way into today...

2009-07-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

where is the door

which opens the way
into today?

I look ahead
thinking the answers
lie before me.

I glance behind
looking for reflections
and assurance.

I breath deeply
trusting in this moment
of perfection.

Where is the door?
I am standing in it
always.

When the angels come...

2009-07-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

My heart heard you calling
with a song
so sweet and familiar
I could not forget.

You sang to my soul
with a voice
so pure and innocent
I began to listen.

How could you know
how to touch
that deepest hurt
I had hidden away?

You brought the light
with a smile
and a laugh so welcoming
I felt at home again.

When the angels come
do they know
they are angels?

The day I dont want to remember....

2009-07-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

Here it is again, July 27th. For 38 years it was really the same as any other day. Actually it was always a good day with it falling right in the middle of the summer. As a kid I would be on vacation, or working at the pool. Even as an adult I usually had the summer off from teaching so it was a good day.

But July 27th 2001 became the day I have the spent the last 8 years trying to forget or erase or get over. One moment in a lifetime of moments and yet I have been carrying it with me ever since. How do you let go of something you so desperately want to let go of yet it has become a part of you?

As I write those words I realize it is not a part of me I need to lose but more the me I need to find again. On this day 8 years ago I lost my faith. I lost my hope. I lost my ability to be in this world and trust that all was well and that there was goodness. On this day I learned that I was not untouchable and that those I loved could not be saved by me.

I had always lived a golden life and although certainly there was lose and pain, I had always been able to rise above. And so too with this I tried. I reached down and dragged myself up and forward. I moved and spoke and acted as if because the other choice was insanity. I had a choice to live or to give up. Giving up has never been an option for me. But I have never known how to ask for help.

Nothing worked the same after that day. I never spoke the same. I never laughed the same. I never felt the same. It all shifted in one moment and I became a resident of a world out of focus. It was a world I no longer understood. I was an alien and no one knew it. So what did I do? I pretended and hoped it would get better and in many ways it did. It looked on the outside as though it were better, because that's what I so wanted it to be. Better.

But I had sealed all of my pain, guilt, regret, despair and madness behind a door in my mind. I had closed down part of my heart because the pain I lived with the first year would have destroyed me. And that is how I survived. I moved on as best I could. But always there was that door and in my most secret of places I lived in terror of what lay behind it.

It became a specter which haunted my dreams. It became a waking menace. I was no longer the same. I was changed and no one saw it. I didn't know who I was or why I was here. Yet I tried and moved forward. I tried to find love again. I tried to find hope again. I found pieces of myself again, but always with them was the fear that none of it I deserved. I could be in a room of people and still feel utterly disconnected and alone.

What do people do after a disaster? They rebuild and that's what I did. I rebuilt but my foundation was weak. You see, when I sealed that door in my mind and closed that part of my heart, I shut out God with it. Where was God now? I didn't know how to find Him again. So within the world I built tried to find God in people, places and things. And although God certainly exists within those parameters they are temporary and eventually they fail.

I still lived without hope and without faith. I learned the real meaning of those words. It is easy to have faith when you don't need it. But when you have lost your faith, the meaning becomes so clear and the lose of it is real despair. It was in those moments that I began to find my humanity again. I began to understand the pain of this world. And with that understanding I began to feel compassion, real compassion. Compassion became a light in the darkness and a flame within my heart.

It has been 8 years. It has been 8 days, 8 minutes, 8 breaths. What is time but a spiral which envelopes everything which comes before it? As I move on that spiral I cannot escape what has come before because I have consumed it. It is and will ever be a part of me. It is and will always be who I am today. It will color all I do and all I feel and all I am. And today 8 years later, I am no longer afraid of that door.

Over this last year, with help, I have opened that door. Inside were merely old shoes and clothes which no longer fit me. There were no demons. There were no monsters. I still carry guilt and pain today but I am not afraid of it. I have God again and know that with His help I can walk through my feelings with an open heart. A heart which is broken is a heart which is broken open. And so I live with my new heart.

It is still a day I want to forget. It is still a part of me I think no one will ever understand. It is a part of me I still want to hide away. Today I know that darkness is merely a place which has not had the light brought to it yet. So writing this brings in some light today. And sharing it opens my heart a bit at a time I so want to hide.

This day shall pass as it always does but I do not ever want to forget who I am today. I am a person trying to be as honest and loving as I can be today. Today that is the best I can do.

Meeting David and family.

2009-07-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

How do you write about something you still don’t fully understand? Well you write from the heart so that’s what I will do. I first saw David as many people did when he auditioned for Idol in San Diego and I was a fan from the start.; His voice, his smile, his laugh, his heart, his everything. Something inside me opened up and I felt there was really something good in the world, if that makes any sense.

His music and influence in my life has been so healing. My mother battled cancer all during 2008 and I would play David to lift both my and my parent’s spirits. My mom would say to me, “Is that angels singing?” and I would say yes. David really is an angel to me. My mom is doing much better these days.

So I have had the opportunity to see David perform many times but Vegas was to be the first time I would get to meet him. My friend Maggie was to have come with me but her mother is very sick with cancer and she had to go back home to take care of her. When that happened I did not know what to do so I just prayed and got the answer to auction the ticket off for charity. I contacted Jenny at FOD and she set it all up with Ebay. (Yeah Jenny….you Rock!) Suddenly something, which was so sad started becoming something amazing. I told Maggie what I was doing and that the proceeds would go to SU2C in her mom’s name and that made her so happy.

Ok so here is the concert story. I found out Melody won the auction and emailed her about meeting once I got to Vegas. I was kind of nervous about going alone but if I had known the amazing people I was about to meet I need not have worried. David’s fans are some of the nicest people I have ever met.

I went to the FOD lunch and met some really cool people. We talked, watched videos, played games, and raised money for Rising Star Outreach. If there is one thing that David has awakened in me, it’s the desire to give back. And it is something you understand his fans embrace too from the moment you meet them. They were there for something more than just David and that felt wonderful. It felt like family because that’s what it is.

So after lunch I got ready and met Melody for the first time. We were pals from the first time we met and it was clear we were about to have an amazing adventure together. I share all of the emotions she shared in her story. And I had a great time watching how in awe she was of how immense this experience was as it was unfolding. Every moment was beyond amazing. I felt and still do as though I were walking in a dream and all I did was let go and trust God to lead the way.

So we endured the dreaded wind storm and went into the VIP where there were lots of new friends I had made at the lunch. Tons of people were there from Utah which was cool. I am from LA btw. I felt so at peace and comfortable like it was the most natural thing in the world to be waiting for David to come sing for us. And then there he was and he was just so David. Random, funny, adorable, and at home with us. I told Melody to be prepared for his voice because she has never heard him live. It can be overwhelming.

He sang Heaven which was like walking in Heaven. EVERYTIME he sings it is something new and special and real. It is a gift from his soul to ours and that is why we are so connected to him and to each other. He sings of humanity and peace and love and passion and goodness and integrity and I could go on forever. And then the song is over and he is just little David again almost embarrassed to have had that come out of him. He is so aware of his role as a vessel. That is one thing I have always known about him. He has no ego, None. And that is something I strive for. I have much to learn from this man of 18 years.

Crazy was next and if I was not already floating above the ground I was certainly after this song. Hauntingly beautiful. How could be possibly be able to touch those deepest hurts inside of me and somehow gently bring in the light into those dark places? Yet he does and does not even know it. I looked around the room during both songs and saw the faces of brothers and sisters. I saw us all as one common people who only want to love and be loved.

So then came the questions and they were hilarious. David rambled on about his Turkey burger on wheat bread and how wheat bread is so good and how people don’t get it. He wants to write a love song about wheat bread but call it wheat fields but only he will know its about bread. Haha “White bread is all stretchy but wheat bread is like Ahhhhhhhhhh.”

Then there was the amazing duet with a fan who was pregnant and she was really good. He even said so. And then my favorite quote when he was trying to remember To Be With You he played a random chord and said to himself, “What song is THAT?” It was hilarious.

Ok so then we took pictures and I asked Melodee to take the pic with me because I thought it would be cool. Out of body experience waiting in line to meet David. I told Melodee I was going to tell him what we did for SU2C and she said we would not have time but we were encouraged to tell him from someone in line so when we got to David I just started talking and told him. I wish I could have frame by frame memory because when David looks at you and is listening to you the entire world stops. Literally. This has never happened to me before but with David it did.

When I told him Melodee bought the ticket and that the money went to SU2C his face was so happy and excited and he turned all his attention to Melodee. I thought the girl would explode from the happiness I saw coming out of her. The energy of that moment was so amazing. I truly feel as though I have had a spiritual experience. And it was not just because of David. It was because of everything that brought us there to that moment and all the love which brought us there. It was all love.

So it probably lasted 20 seconds but it felt like a lifetime and then we took our pic with David which came out really great. I look at it and cant believe it really happened. Afterwards we just watched the rest of the people get their pictures and celebrated that everyone was getting a moment just like ours. I felt like a kid and I still do.

We kept standing around and even then thought David needed to go and was very late he stopped in the door to talk about what he was wearing that night. It seemed like he didn’t want to go either. And then he was gone but the joy remained because it was living inside of all of us.
I want to say how amazing the young woman from All Access is. I forgot her name but she was so nice to us and so gets David. It is clear he has worked his magic yet again haha. Melodee and I took a picture with her. She was happy too when I told her the story and shared with me that she had lost her father to cancer last year. It just goes to remind me yet again of the connection we all share with one another. Sometimes it comes through joy and sometimes through shared pain but it is in the sharing that healing comes.

This story is getting to be of epic length but its my heart talking remember? So on to the concert. It was like we had almost forgotten we still got to see DAVID ARCHULETA in concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMgosh. Melodee and I were all fangirl and fanboy as we bopped into the arena to our row 8 seats. They were cool but we didn’t stay there. As soon as David started Touch My Hand I dragged her up to front and the security let us go right to the rail!!!!!!! If you watch the You Can video you can see us behind David the whole time laughing and singing. It was a dream in a dream.

And of course David was out of this world amazing as always. As I said before, every time he sings it is new. Every song is new. Every phrase is new. And there we were at the rail and I kept thinking, “This is like all those pictures I see on FOD but I am here taking them in with my eyes. Unreal. So we danced and jumped and sang and laughed and cried and then he sang Crush and was gone. But the love lingered. The joy lingered. Because we are vessels of that love just as David is. We are drawn to him because he opens within us a direct conduit to that which connects us to one another, love. And I call love God. When I hear David I feel in connection with God. It’s that simple.

Afterwards we all hugged and laughed and I had to say goodbye to Melodee but know that we are forever friends and forever connected by this experience. There are no accidents in Gods world. The rest of the gang all went to TGIF’s and ate and shared stories and pics and laughter. I cant wait to see you all again and to be a share in the beauty that David brings out in all of us.

Thank you Jenny at FOD. Thank you Melodee. Thank you Georgeaan. Thank you all the wonderful Fans of David I met and hope to see soon.
And thank you David.

Blog? Oh why not.

2009-07-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well somehow I ended up with this blogspace quite by accident so I might as well put it to use. I mean it would such a shame if it just say here empty right? Exactly. No idea as to what will be put here or who will read it but I am writing and that is very important when one is attempting to write a blog